Do you not know what causes that?

I'm still around. :-)

For everyone who wrote me to say nice things - thank you.  I'm just having a rough time, which I really don't enjoy.  For those who wrote to tell me I should be happy/grateful - I am.  You can be sad and grateful at the same time. I know what a blessing my family is, after pregnancy loss on top of pregnancy loss - I know the value of a baby.  I was also one of those people who made the promise to anyone who would listen that "If I could only get pregnant - I wouldn't complain about simple aches and pains." It just didn't work that way.  So now I explain to people trying to get pregnant and struggling - "You sometimes make promises to yourself and there is no real way to keep them, it would just fester and make you ill. Grateful doesn't mean your back doesn't hurt." And don't forget the hormones.  I cry over everything and can't make a decisions - I'm a decisive person who rarely shows emotion - it hurts.

So, please know I'm grateful, for my family, my friends, our new baby and even my husband.  As Garfield the cat says, "I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once..."

And now a random picture or few from our vacation:

Life sucks.

I'm having one of those really depressing times in my life, which really sucks because I should be happy.

Everything is in turmoil around me, everyone is annoying me, and I just want to escape.  I'd like to crawl in a hole. Notice I didn't say crawl in a hole and die, just crawl in a hole.

I want to be settling down and being able to focus on the baby but it's not happening.  So other than a few hours in childbirth class, this kid is getting no attention.

My synagogue is falling apart. I can be a part of the salvation efforts but it requires energy I don't really have.

My dear friends left town for a better job and I miss them terribly.

I can't figure out what to do about Grad School. If I stay in full time, I'll be demented and crazy not to mention a bad mother. If I go part time I'll be killed by the really hard courses online AND demented, crazy and a bad mother.  And I can't even get them to talk to me about a deferment.

My house feels like its falling apart. If you've been reading awhile you may wonder how the heck that can be with all the repairs. (Did I mention the plumber was here yesterday fixing the toilet?) But there is always something that needs fixing. (Like the kitchen floor still not being done...)

The house is so cluttered and no matter how much I shovel I don't seem to hit the bottom. And the kids aren't helping. (I know I'm deluded in thinking that they would/could.)

My decision making ability is falling quickly.  I think it's a pregnancy thing.  I can't even decide where to eat out for lunch when going out with friends.  The thought of having to make a decision, even of this magnitude is overwhelming. I want to burst into tears when asked for a date, even for a prenatal visit because I can't even think.  So imagine trying to coordinate the back to school physicals, eye exams, dental exams, etc.

I'm overwhelmed and sinking quickly.  Now where was that hole?

Hey mom, look at me!

US News and World Report: 8 Smart Ways to Afford a Baby

BlogHer 100 MeMe

1.)  State the name of your blog, your real name or your online name, and link to your "about me" page. Do you not know what causes that? About Me

2.)  Say you want to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger and link back to this post. I think it would be fun to profiled at Blog her - See this post.
3.)  Tell how long you've been blogging. At this location - 2 years.  Elsewhere for a couple years before that.
4.)  Pass this meme on to three other bloggers that you think should be profiled/interviewed.

• WhyMommy
• Marci
• Ashley

Who am I?

I've got nothing really cool to say about who I am. No wise words. Not even a couple of hilarious words. I'm a slightly crunchy, overly sensitive mother of seven, married to a freaky mathematician genius. Annoying habits: apologizing too much and avoiding housework

Gotta go get everyone dressed and serve up some chaos and oatmeal...

Repost from 12/24/05

I found it!

Okay, so I've spent the last month working on getting back into running shape. I've been lifting weights and doing cardio.  I've even sprinkled in a bit of yoga.  The difference is more the dedication and number of times I've been doing it.  Benjamin was going with me for awhile.  As camps changed everything shifted a bit, and then I found a new normal.  Then Benjamin had surgery and I went to conference.  Ugh.  It's been rough getting back into the swing of it.

Yesterday I went and merely lifted weights. I lifted about 13,000 lbs. I love how that is calculated.  It really makes me feel like I did something.  Then I walked at home. Today I thought I'd just go in an do abs on the machines, then a bit of cardio, followed by a class of BodyFlow (combination Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates).

Everything was going along fine, until I decided to shake it up a bit and try a different machine. The Elliptical. Oh. My. Goodness.  Within the first 30 seconds my quads were burning, by the end of the first minute I was ready to get off.  I wasn't even going that quickly!  I knew I was doomed. I promised myself I could stop after 5 minutes. Well, I made it the whole five minutes, but I did stop twice to ease the burn. My heart rate stayed up too. I finished up my time on the treadmill. I know it's all good and I will go back - but oh my!

I was worn out before I ever started the BodyFlow Class.  That turned out to be very nice and felt good after the elliptical and the treadmill. Kevin promised a massage.

Grateful - 36!

Here is a 36 birthday salute to things I'm grateful for in my life in not particular order!

1. I am still alive.
2. I am relatively healthy.
3. I have a great family!
4. I am totally in love with my husband (except when I'm not).
5. I have the best friends.
6. I am still interested in learning.
7. I have a great home, despite the laundry and clutter.
8. My car is reliable.
9. My husband gave me a card!  (Big accomplishment.)
10. My mother remembered my birthday.
11. I have a list of goals I still need to accomplish - it keeps me on my toes.
12. My iPod shuffle keeps me happy when I work out.
13. I do things that frighten me.
14. Over the years I've developed a sense of humor, not a great one but better than nothing.
15. I have a cell phone plan that has enough minutes for me to talk to friends far away.
16. I got a free pass to Bernheim in the mail!
17. I'm going to CKU again!
18. Did I mention I like paper? Oh and office supplies...
19. Skyline Chili.
20. My cello teacher told me I now look like a cellist.
21. Bloglines helps me keep my blog habit manageable.
22. Books - most kinds.  They help me calm and sleep.
23. I love long phone conversations on my blue tooth - it gets me through my commute.
24. Breakfast with friends - coffee, bagels or Bob's - it's all good.
25. Play dates! (mine and the kids)
26. The baby pool and the mommy tents to protect me from the sun.
27. Chicken smoothies. (Don't ask)
28. Shabbat with my family.
29. The family word game.
30. Sharing the nest.
31. Lots of hugs.
32. Getting to put silly notes in lunches.
33. Billy Joel.
34. Lunch with my grandma.
35. My mother's safety in her new home.
36. My next birthday is awhile away!

Thanks to everyone who emailed, called or came over yesterday.  You really helped me have a great birthday - with Skyline to boot!

Big Orange Trunk

I remember the big orange trunk fondly.  I actually coveted everything inside of it - the books and papers, the "stuff" that belonged to me and yet didn't, like old baby outfits I wore.  My mother would never let me near the  huge, orange steamer trunk because it was hers and it was dangerous. One day it would be mine.

Never did I figure it would happen so soon.  I'd actually not thought about the trunk for years.  And then last week she sprung it on me, "Robin, it's come to that time in our lives where I give you the trunk."  It was mine - yes!  I was excited and could feel my heart beat faster.  I ran to her bedroom to look at it.  It was large, even after the spell of being a small child had worn off.  It was still a burnt orange, ugly but mine!

Though I now saw it with different eyes, those of a parent.  What if Owen and Clara were as interested in the trunk as I had been?  What if the lid that fell so quickly did just that, snapping them on the arm or leg, or worse, trapping them inside.  My heart sank, I knew that despite all of the years or longing, that the elusive orange trunk was not to be mine, even now...

So I have a date to pick up the contents inside.  I'll still get all the papers and stuff, which is great.  But now I've got to leave behind the dream of owning the orange trunk all because of practicality.

Look ma!

Last fall I learned to crochet kippot, now I'm learning to make beaded ones.  Here is my first attempt.  (I'm now learning how to crochet beaded kippot!).

Alone

I love driving alone.  And in the car, no less.  It's a smaller space and the radio is louder. I'm not sure if it's the smaller space, the being alone or the music that makes the few minutes alone I have on nights when I go to meetings so wonderful.  But I love the feel of the car.

When I first started driving, I loved it.  I volunteered to go to the grocery, drive grandma around, my sister - anyone.  Just let me in the car.

Now I don't like being in the van and driving everyone around.  My best times are the 15 minutes drive daily between preschool and work when I can listen to the news. But the car, with music, is so different.  I drive a bit faster (not fast like 17 year olds), but like five miles over and I feel wicked.  The music, it's loud.  Not rock the car next to you loud, but too loud for a baby in a car seat or a toddler, or even *my* teenager.

So if you see me driving a red car alone and my music is a bit loud - leave me alone, I'm enjoying myself.