Do you not know what causes that?

Not Being the Mother I Want to Be

Argh, some days are hard.  This has been a killer of a year and just when I thought I was surfacing, I feel like I've been smashed down again.  This isn't a pity party, at least not for me, but man, I'm so not the mom I want to be.

Do you know how many times I've had to go to time out this week alone?  Owen told me I could come out this afternoon because I had apologized quickly and seemed like I meant it, when I explained I was sorry to have yelled at her that I was really just mad in general and it wasn't her fault.  She loves me any way.

I've been trying really hard, thinking that if I worked hard at doing the physical things that the good mother (in my mind) did, the other stuff would follow.  *sigh*  Not as much as I would have hoped.

We've made more Halloween treats than you can shake a stick at, even spent the weekend making more turkeys than Halloween stuff.  (Did you know that there are turkeys with like 5-6 eyes?)  I've personally helped kill multiple trees with all the painting and crafting going on over here.  We even had the googly eyes and fluff balls out.  The popsicle sticks came out for awhile, but we didn't wind up needing them after the paper mache projects...  (See what I'm saying???)

Lilah and I have been working on stress reduction.  She thinks I'm helping her, and I'm seeing it as a nice way to really get my priorities straight.  Last night we did belly breathing and thought of five places we could use it - we even made signs to hang up so we'd remember to use it.  I need to find that sign and put it up somewhere I'll see it, maybe a tattoo...

I only get so many chances to get this thing right.  I really want to be a good mother to these wild and crazy, but lovable kids.  I can still do that even if I can't cook well...

They really love me!

I love finding these little notes all around. It's a nice reminder that they like me occasionally.

The Ultimate in Multitasking

I got to H's school early. So I studied biostats until I decided I'd had enough. Then I checked email while I took a stroll around my van while crocheting...

The Truth About Molly

We are at the American Girl store and Hilary was trying to be pleasant. She said of Molly's chocolate mousse, "This is so good that I wish I could meet Molly."

Lilah says, "Molly is a doll."

We all cracked up laughing.

I'm in trouble now...

So Benjamin and I are in the car the other day when he announces, "I've been reading that book you wrote about raising adolescent boys."  It was all I could do not to snort and spit out my drink when he said that.  Part of it was hilarious and part of it was dread...

"So," I said, "Are you learning anything?"

"Yeah, why don't you follow the rules?"

"Which rules?"

"Like why don't you ask me about music?"

"We talk about music all the time!," I say, relieved. "Remember when we talked about Reliant K?"

"Oh yeah, that..."

I'm safe for a few more pages...

Bad, bad tooth fairy!

So Owen begged me to pull her tooth the other day.  It was incessant.  I know it was bothering her, but if you know me, teeth are NOT my thing.  So the fact that I finally decided to give it a yank or two should tell you how insistent Owen was being.  After one or two tries, I got sick to my stomach and told her she'd have to wait and keep wiggling it.

So we're sitting there reading quietly when she screams, "I lost my tooth!"  It simply fell out while she was busy wiggling it. (Thank goodness!)

This is where the horror begins.  I'll admit it, the tooth fairy is bad at my house.  She is frequently late. So late in fact, that no one bats an eye when she does show up on time.  But this time, she was four days late.  And this morning, we woke up to Owen screaming and crying, "My tooth is gone and the tooth fairy didn't leave anything!"  We assured her that the tooth fairy hadn't come yet.  (Meanwhile we're scrambling for cash to see if we can pull this one off...)  No tooth.  No dollar.  No fairy tale ending.

So amidst tears, Owen wrote this note for tonight.  

Updated:  The tooth fairy has arrived, well before morning and has left the cash and removed the note.

Nine Months

This is the view from nine months...

My baby can barely be contained in a stroller and will definitely NOT sit still for photo shoots.  Kevin turned her stroller seat around today, and she loved it!  He told me that she is starting to realize she sleeps differently.  He feels like she sleeps more soundly, and as he put it, "more like a toddler."  I told him to bite his tongue. 

She weighed about 13.5 lbs at the doctor's a few days ago.  She's crawling everywhere, eating everything and talking our heads off.  She loves to be tickled and play peek-a-boo.

Nine months is a special time to me.  Up until this point, I've reigned supreme as her mother.  I have held her longer than anyone else, during pregnancy.  But now, now the world is in charge.  Her days outside of my body are now fewer than those in the open air of life.  She is truly a baby of the world.  I miss the days when it was just the two of us, wrapped in a silent cocoon and able to shut everyone else out...

Mother's Day 2009

Ah, what a day!  I started with my favorite part of Mother's Day - small kids piled in my bed with bits of prized, colored papers.  This is really your  job evaluation for the last year.  Don't believe me?  One year one of my kids wrote a whole book that filled in the blanks: My mommy is...  One of the blanks said bize (busy).  Yikes, bad mommy.  Today I mostly passed.  My slightly negative comments were that I was not the meanest parent in the house. (Can you see where Father's Day is going this year?)  I also got a note that I don't yell over the small things.  (Yes, that means I do yell over the big stuff, but I'm workin' on it!) Mostly lots of love and yummy oatmeal - what could be better. I'm sad to say that anyone over the age of 12 tends to not do this ritual anymore.

We saw Kevin's family at the brunch at shul. That always works out so nicely. A gets to show off her grandkids.  We chat with K's sister... The food is good...  Then we ran home to get ready to see my mom.  This was the hard part today.

I only cried a bit as we passed Grandma's house this morning.  Ada had a running dialog all day about how Grandma was dead.  Not in a negative way, but she was missing her and talking about that in the best way her 3 yo brain could handle it.  At Ada's suggestion we made the Baked Alaska you see above.  It was Grandma's favorite cake.  The last time I made it was last Mother's Day.  Grandma ate on it for over a week!  So we shared a piece with my mom today.  She was subdued and pleasant. I was surprised.  She said my card was sweet. I simply told her that I knew this day was hard on both of us.  (My mom and I don't talk.)

I stayed busy the rest of the afternoon putting K on a plane to Amsterdam. Now I'm home. The kids are too loud for my mood.  Testing starts tomorrow. They want cake. They can't find their clothes or back packs. You know how it goes.

I'd simply rather call Grandma and complain so that she could set me straight about how damned lucky I am. Which I am, except that I don't have my Grandma to hug on Mother's Day anymore.

Babyhood

Last night, I had just finished nursing Noa.  I rolled over and was going to read like I usually do.  But I felt her breathing against me as we lay back to back.  I decided to just lay there, back to back, and be with her and feel her.  She was so peaceful and satisfied.  It was beyond food or sleep.  It was just life was wonderful, if only for a few minutes.

I'm so acutely aware of the fact she's almost not a baby. I know toddlers have their own special things, but there is something about this stage that is so wonderful and I will truly miss it.  (We are most likely done with having babies.)  I'm not sure as a first time mom I could have stopped to "smell the roses" as I did last night.  But I'm glad for it, even if it was merely a few moments in time.

Meltdowns

Here is a snippet of conversation with a friend on AIM as I pumped this morning:

Me: the little girls are throwing fits

Me: the older kids ate the last of the cereal bars

Me: so you'd think they were all going to die

Me: ada is throwing a class a fit, including kicking and screaming

Me: clara is crying

Me: when asked why? "Because I haven't had breakfast..."

Me: as if breakfast is only cereal bars

Me: or as if I don't feed them every day