Do you not know what causes that?

Missing Softa

We subscribed to something called the PJ Library, where Owen and Clara get new books and sometimes music in the mail. We got a CD this month.  One of the songs is about how much the family means.  It goes through and has you guess the member but uses the Hebrew word, like Abba instead of dad.  So after singing about Softa, Grandma, Clara and Owen started saying that they missed their "Softa" and wished she weren't dead.  At least they are talking about it.

Lilah doesn't want to say anything.  If someone says "Hi Grandma's house" as we pass by, she gets angry. She's a bit clingy and mean.

Hilary asked me yesterday what was wrong. I said I'd had a rough day. She asked why. I said I missed Grandma.  She said "Oh, I thought that was everyday..." It is everyday. Every. Day.

Things of the Past

So we didn't see a movie.  To be honest my heart wasn't into it.  I blamed the so-so reviews on the movie we planned to see when I talked to Kevin. I blamed the lack of clean rooms and a decree from the House Fairy when talking to the kids.  We did go to the Chinese buffet for lunch.

We went to one and it was so expensive because of the seafood.  So we went to another one.  The food was fine.  The kids were happy.

Then we went to the Nursing home to see Mom.  We brought her presents. I even wrapped them in paper wrap, which if you know me well, you know I have reusable bags. I thought she'd like it.  She didn't notice.

She wasn't really happy with anything until we got to the Netflix year.  She almost missed it because it was in a card. I mean, really, who reads cards?

My "aunt" Nancy was there too.  She sat away from us, no matter how many times we invited her over. She leaned over and asked loudly if I had cleaned up my car.  I was taken off guard "Huh?"  "Well your grandma told me how dirty your car always was..."  She laughed.

Okay, now I have 10 people that travel in and out of my car. I know it was dirty. I tried to straighten up before Grandma would ride in the car.  Grandma never said anything to me, though I know she must have noticed.  But, seriously, how rude was Nancy's comment?

So then mom asks me if I brought her the $5 bills she asked for previously. I reminded her that I brought them to her the day before (in the cold rain with a sick kid).  She had forgotten.  So I offered to go to her room to get them.  As I turned the corner and saw some furniture outside of Mom's door.  Sure enough, my worst fears confirmed - they were cleaning out Grandma's stuff.

Now, I didn't expect them to build a shrine there in the room.  But they had left it, down to the half consumed Sprite I drank that night. The only change they had made was her bed was made, which was sad enough to see.  But now, the wheel chair I took her to the doctor's in, where she was too weak to hold up her head, was gone. The balloons she was so proud of where missing. It was almost all gone, which hurt so much to see.  Her "ugly" shoes were crumpled up on the floor behind Mom's dresser.  It was just wrong looking...

It's been a hard day. Tears coming easily.  Realizing, confirming, that the only real person I had left from my original family was gone...

Fifth Night of Chanukah 2008

Tonight was Owen's night but also Chili Bingo at shul. So we were out late, but had fun at shul. The kids played bingo and I did nothing.  Everyone passed Noa around.  So that was nice to just sit.

Owen was probably the happiest so far with her presents.  She had a fairly good idea of what she was getting based on the other girls, but there were a few surprises.  She knew she was getting a Little Mermaid small doll with clothes (think Polly Pocket).  But she was still thrilled. She got a skunk webkinz (she's naming it Mia) and a Mermaid Cookbook!

Now Isaac, Lilah, Hilary, Kevin and I are watching A Christmas Story.

Fourth Night of Chanukah 2008

Tonight was Lilah's night. We had pie and lit the lights. She enjoyed her pink google webkinz and her jewelry.

Christmas Eve

I've been up for hours. I can't sleep. This day last year was a busy one.

Hilary went to play her violin for the Hospice Unit. We went to a small grocery on the way back and found some small treasures for Grandma, including Trauth Buttermilk. Lilah spent some time with Grandma at her house, where Grandma tried to brush her hair. She finally believed me about how difficult that was... Took the food to the nursing home to have all the kids, mom and Grandma together.

This year as Hilary is preparing to go back to the Hospice unit, it's lonely for me.  While we weren't at this unit with Grandma, my dad died there this past August, but H doesn't know that.  She does know that Hospice took really good care of Grandma these past few months.

So today, I'll take Hilary to Hospice.  Then we'll all pack up and go to mom's for gift giving.

I miss Grandma.  My heart is just not here right now...

Third Night of Chanukah 2008

Benjamin is so much fun to watch.  He's part boy, part man.  He loved his paper airplane book and his subscription to Motor Trend.

Chanukah Fun!

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Second Night of Chanukah 2008

Tonight was Benjamin's night. Each kid gets a night of Chanukah.  But this year we spiced it up by having them draw for nights.  It was hard for them to understand that even drawing first they could land the last night...

So Benjamin got a robe, gamestop card, juggling kit, airplane book, drawing from Owen, and a subscription to Motor Trend. 

Life Without Grandma

This is a horrible picture. It's fuzzy and grainy.  But it's my favorite picture of Grandma and me.  It was taken in 1983-4 ish.  We're at Myrtle Beach and having a blast!

I have to drive past Grandma's house several times a day and it pains me.  I reach for the phone to call her, only to remember that her line is disconnected. And I see her purse in my living room, and think, "Grandma's here!" every time I see it.

I only feel that sense of panic sometimes as opposed to all the time.  I'm just sad. Horribly sad.

First Night of Chanukah 2008

Ada drew the first night of Chanukah. She enjoyed the presents but really wasn't pro-lighting the candles. (I think she's still traumatized after Hilary's birthday dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse.) She got a Snow White doll, books, block puzzle and fun small things, like a hair thing from Girly Moda.She spent a lot of time at the Chanukah party at shul. (Pictures here)