Grandma Update

First of all, thank you all for your comments both on the blog, in person and via email. This has really been the only place I'm able to really talk about Grandma without a lot of pressure for it to be one way or the other.

Grandma is stable.  She is mostly not in pain.  We have increased her pain medication that is continuously pumped into her, but she remains "mostly lucid."  That's a hard state to describe, but basically I feel like 1 out of every 4 things she says might be construed as disoriented or just plain out there. I simply go along with it.  Examples of this behavior:

1. We walked in today and she woke up and said, "I was just in a traffic jam." I said, "Oh, how not fun." She replied, "No one got hurt." This part made no sense, but she was otherwise fine.
2. I saw her yesterday and she asked me if Mitchell would be able to find her. I responded yes, despite the fact that he died in 1986.
3. She told me that she's been losing her Sundays and that she is really tired at the end of the week because of it.
4. She asked the palliative care doctor if she should go to a nursing home. (She's already there.)

She's telling a lot of stories that are old and I just want to remember every word.  But I get distracted.  I'm distracted by trying to memorize her hands or her face, both of which are changing rapidly. It's hard to focus on all of that at once.

My mom is not handling this well. I try to explain that I know how hard it must be watching this in the same room (at the nursing home).  She just wants to know when.  She doesn't like that I don't give her an answer, which is only because I don't know.  However, the well meaning but misguided nurses keep offering their guesses, which Grandma has promptly outlived all of them. I feel sorry for her. I don't know what to say to her.  I've tried to get her to talk to the docs to ask her questions.

Every time I leave, I pause at the door, realizing that I may not make it back in time. I also tell her that I'm ready and don't wish for her to stay on my behalf (she's asked me to remind her of this), despite the fact that I promised not to lie to her. I've been preparing for awhile, but are you ever prepared?

For a funny (now) look back to two years ago, read The Fruit Cake Caper

Comments

[Diane]

Hi Robin - I don't think to stop by here very often but it's a quite afternoon. I know you mentioned your Gramma but I didn't realize how serious her condition was. My heart feels yours only too well and I admit to being a tad jealous that you are sharing this time with her. The end of life is inevitable for all of us and it seems to be the hardest for those of us who will go on....I'm thinking of you and your family.